yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
