she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
