Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
