my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
