Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
