We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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