You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
