now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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