The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
