one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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