I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
