I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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