I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
