Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
