I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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