she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
