am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
