Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
