Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
