oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
