you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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