Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
