Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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