Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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