Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
