I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
