Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
