Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
