just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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