Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Randomize
