he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
