dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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