Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
