Already got asked if we're dating
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
