Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
