That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
