worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
