Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
