What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
