im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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