I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
