He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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