I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Randomize
