I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
