oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
