And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
