The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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