my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
