As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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