There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
