I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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