i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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